Tuesday, April 30, 2002

The Horror, The Whore

Submitted by Bill the Rake

A new poster in Los Angeles. "Your kids never think of you as a rock god, but Gwen Stefani does! E!"

The Rosie O'Donell sequel to The Firm. Flabber.

Lee Majors gets a lobotomy and ends up on Son of the Beach mumbling "Farah, Farah."
Anson Williams thinks he's going to see a lotta chicks but ends up charming fifty Hannibal Lecter orange jump suits.

The Rake gets kicked out of LA's posh Westside like a Palestinian from the West Bank but debuts in Nudity Required disrobing and aiming his gun and is featured in the Son of the Beach episode "House of the Prostitution" with promo gal Bobbie.

Sabre Tooth gets more lines than in X-Men by becoming Notch Johnson's beach man.
Marsha from the Brady Bunch, Maureen McCormick tries to put a notch in her lipstick case by prosecuting Notch Johnson for pre-marital relations in the Scarlett Burka.

The biggest and best thing to come out of this town besides Charmed is Son of the Beach. Though on the FX channel like The Shield, co-producer, writer, and star, Tim Stack tells Anson Williams he can get the show on HBO! Sex in the City will be on hiatus until the lovely skinny blond lady has her baby. So maybe there's the chance. Otherwise the new Son of the Beach episodes will air starting this summer. You don't want to miss episodes like the "Gaytrix" or "Penetration Island." I appear in "House of the Prostitution" and "Penetration Island." Son of the Beach has gone from bad high school theater production to, now with three able-bodied directors, the status of feature film action. Imagine duplicating The Matrix for low budget television.

Son of the Beach is rated in the top 100 for television shows like Sports Night, now on Comedy Central, but that had the weight of ABC, William Macy and that black actor guy who played Benson, also known as Robert Guillome.

Anson Williams, Potsy from Happy Days, was so excited about being on Son of the Beach that he invited his business associates to the Los Angeles city jail set for the spoofing of Gladiator scenes and donned a suit he hadn't worn in six years.

They missed Lee Majors' lines of "the horror, the whore" taken from Marlon Brando's character in Apocalypse Now. Lee Majors did perform with his pure "method" acting like Robert Redford in The Last Castle. His method was so strong that the Aussie director had to say, "Lee, don't you remember me, I met you the other day?" He was playing Robert Redford's character and would not respond to Lee. Maybe he was acting like Marlon Brando in A Street Car Named Desire and instead of exuding "Stella, Stella," he was thinking "Farah, Farah." Oh the horror, the whore who kicked me out of the Westside to suffer the heat of Van Nuys. Short of getting beat down by Israeli Defense Force Nazi storm-troopers in the occupied territories, I remain a fan of Howard Stern's Son of the Beach.